Strawberry-Kun

I opened my eyes and looked up at the red sky. Birds flew overhead screaming and crying.

I closed my eyes again.

Male power drove into me.

Male power drove out of me.

Hands were cupped over my mouth…stiffling the scream that died hours ago.

Tears that should have been running down my face, had now turned into a salty mess that danced outside my eyes.

Male power drove into me.

Male power drove out of me.

I opened my eyes again, willing myself to face myself.

An empty face hovered over me, blocking out the red sky.

A broken soul inside of a broken vessel.

He smiled at me as his breath reached out for mine.

But I had no soul left to breath.

Male power drove into me.

Male power drove out of me.

Two other men moved around us, like vultures waiting on a meal.

All I could see was the flash of black teeth and the flicker of purple tongues.

This is how they looked to me.

Demons not men.

Invaders not lovers.

Foes not friends.

Murderers not fathers.

The rain came.

It washed the scent of the first invader on to my body and his scent became my own.

The rain cried for me.

I opened my mouth to call a name.

Any name.

Any-one who could hear.

But I forgot my mouth was cupped by hands…stiffling that scream that died hours ago…

The scream that died…when I died.

I sit in the dark and reminisce.

Can’t tell when last my mind lived such indescribable bliss

Fridge died out

Heater blew it’s fuse

My sink keeps dripping

But all of this is old news…

No-one on my sofa, no-one on my bed..

Just me and the fly that struggles at my window…wish it was dead.

I inhale the cold fumes of yesterday’s melancholy

Turn on the light, to turn it off again…. the fly struggles silently now

Emotions..within this cage..

no longer written on this page…

Next door neighbour, finally hear their voice for once…

Now I know they must go crazy when I talk on the phone…

Or to myself at night…

 Out goes the light…

Happy days are over, 

Should I be here sober?

Wish I could see circles escape my lungs.

But I gave up on that addiction…

Didn’t want to end up with a prescription…

Acid on my tongue

Damn the school bell rung

Thought they stopped making those…

Why am I in my own body?

 Waiting for the chance…

A single shot at a hungry romance

Probably one last dance…

Wonder what she’s saying, do i really even care?

With this last streak of humanity, should I dare?

Drip..Drip…the sound of my faucet as it pleads to be fixed.

It reminds me of my heart…… but I’ll never fix it, cuz there ain’t no cure for broken hearts… it all just falls in parts.

 on Lane 79…

the piece of bleeding flesh that struggled to pump within my cage has ….given it’s last strain to life…

who would have guessed that pain was in it all along…

everything happens for a reason… someone once told me…and I wondered why this was so…

I’ve never lost anything„,because I’ve had nothing to loose

I was given a view of the world, of only things and people I could never hold…

I was given a soul that was meant to be sold to the many sins along the path of life.

For once I tried…but it was in vain..

Now I feel pain

But I am pain

Again

Insane

No longer Cain

I wax and wane

Sane?

…..

Bury me…finally

Screams…

I woke up in a pool of blood. One side was warm, the other was cold.

My blurred eyes forcused on a door.

As I got up, the blood moved and formed my shadow.

As I walked towards a mirror that hung from the door, the glass melted.

I walked through the door of memories.

She hated me. Hated me since I was a child.

They said she loved me, but I couldn’t feel it.

I was standing in a room with her.

White walls

White door

White floor

White windows. White.

A pure color for unpure people with unpure deeds.

“Jump out of the f-ing window!” She screamed.

I looked at her and she had become a husband and I his wife.

“Jump out, they are coming!” and he turned and left but then I saw her hair float across her pale back.

I looked out the window, six stories up, maybe more. All I knew was the drop was far. I tried to climb out but I’d put on weight.

I couldn’t fit through and the window wouldn’t slide any further.

The other ledge was too far away. Even I had gotten out, I would have died trying to reach it. 

Maybe he wanted me to die.

Footsteps approached the door. I panicked.

I ran down the corridor of the room I was in, towards a closet, but one door was missing and the other door was in half.

I tried to hide behind it but I was too big.

She (no longer he anymore) walked back in with a cop. He searched the room and walked straight towards my hiding space. He stared at me and turned away and walked out the room.

She turned to me and said “Why don’t you die. Nobody wants you or needs you. Everyone truly hates you.”

As my tears came down and formed a blood pool on the floor I whispered “I know you hate me. I know everyone hates me, but I don’t hate me.”

My blood rose up and formed a clone of me that hugged me. Cold but yet so warm.

“I would rather live knowing the world hates me, than die and make them happy they won.”

End.

My dreams are the only shreds of reality that bring you to my door.

In them, I hear your voice that I have not heard in months.

I see your face that I’ve never touched, your hair that I’ve never smelt and your skin that I’ve never adored.

It’s funny how in dreams, my appetite is satisfied, but outside of them I’m dieing from a hunger that may never be fulfilled.

I wonder if I’ll get the chance. I wonder if my words would ever fall unto your lips as you lay below me, lifeless but yet alluring.

I wonder if I’ll utter my hearts whispers across these walls, where you stand on the other side, unknowing and untouched.

Madness is just another pill that I take to keep me from madness. True madness.

As hunger strikes within my chest and soul burns away inside of this vessel, your name becomes the only name I could ever know.

You sleep,miles and miles away from my unwavering arms and you exist. But do you know that my existence is for you? Do you know that I’ve stopped my heart only to allow it to beat when I see your face again?

My fear is that my past will continue to have a hold on me.

My fear is that, no matter what I do or say, I can’t control the response of another.

It’s frustrating when you like some-one but yet you just don’t think you would ever get a chance because the baggage that you have isn’t the normal baggage that most people carry.

I guess this is the point where I get upset at life and I scream that it isn’t fair. For once, I’m not going to.

I’m come to accept life and the fact that things have happened that I really could not have predicted.

All I can do is just try to live my life with no regrets.

You don’t actually take on your mistakes or reflect on them until you are faced with some-one you care about. Some-one that takes you out of your comfort zone and makes you want to try.

It’s hard when you think that after you sit them down and tell them all you think they should know, they just might not see you in the same light.

My fear is that moment when I’m faced with the one I care about but yet I’m clueless as to how they feel about me.

My fear is not knowing their heart and not being able to feel the way their heart would beat in response to what I say.

My fear is the moment they would walk away and I would be left again. Staring down a road at all the faces that rejected me for the same or different reasons.

In life we keep beating up ourselves,  never thinking that we are good enough. Maybe its time we realize that we were good enough to be born in the first place and to be allowed to live.

We don’t control what happens to us because we can’t predict the future. We can always chose to go the “right” way but that doesn’t mean that we won’t be faced with trials along the way.

Maybe I’ll never sit down and have the conversation that could change certain things for me. Maybe I will. Maybe this person doesn’t exist….I’ll never know.